Comfort
by EuropaQuest16
Summary: Set at Season 3 part 1. After Eren realises that his powers are special, not him, while feeling the pressure of humanity having to depend on someone like him despite the uncountable deaths, he begins to enter the world of melancholy. Since he was rescued from Historia's father, his friends have began to notice the changes in him. Will Mikasa drag him out of that dark place?


**Pairing: Eren x Mikasa**

**CONTAINS self-inflicted injuries and depressing themes.**

**BEWARE AS THIS SHOT CONTAINS SEASON 3 (first half) SPOILERS! You have been warned.**

**Okay****, here we go.**

As soon as Eren woke up, he began to feel like shit. Really... like shit. His memories have not only haunted him in this cruel world, but in his dreams too. The constant flashbacks of his mother's death, his father injecting him with titan serum, eating his own father as a mindless titan and the countless soldiers who have died for his sake. The burden became too heavy for him to carry.

Eren sat up and curled into a ball on the bed, attempting to get these flashbacks out of his mind while trying to repress his painful emotions. Fighting with his own mind has caused him to hyperventilate, and so he shut his eyes to prevent the tears from falling. It didn't take long for these flashbacks to convert itself to self-hatred. He wondered if he even needed to be saved.

The match was interrupted with a knock on the door. Eren looked up with his eyes wide, checking to see if any of his tears fell. Turned out only two tears have slowly streamed down his face, so he quickly wiped them off in time for someone to come in. The door opened and it turned out Captain Levi was standing there. "Eren, come down for dinner. You need your energy for the upcoming battle tomorrow." Levi instructed as Eren followed Levi downstairs to have something to eat.

_

"Eat," Mikasa demanded with concern in her eyes, "please." All eyes were on Eren across the dining table, Eren made no response, and simply stared at his food with no desire to eat. To him nothing looked appetising anymore since the flashbacks of his Father's memories and the deaths of many, are symbolic reminders of his past failures. There was an uncomfortable pause for a minute until Mikasa broke the silence. "Captain, I'll take Eren upstairs. I'll make sure he eats." She suggested. Levi put his cup of tea down and nodded.

After the two of them left, the rest of the new Levi squad (except for Armin and Moblit who are looking after Hanji in another room) look at each other with concern, wondering what was with the sudden change in Eren. Then Historia started the conversation. "He's been that way ever since we have rescued him from my father. He barely eats, nor does he get enough sleep. I figured Captain Levi that after Eren made his choice and saved our lives from the collapse, I thought he would become self-willed just like he used to.." Historia looks down and continues, "but that's ridiculous. It's unlikely that anyone would act like nothing happened after that incident. When he said he shouldn't have happened, protested to get eaten and started crying, I tried to snap him out of it. I can't stand it when people cry to themselves saying they're not needed, because it's not true. And coming from the person who's been there, I'm sure these thoughts won't last forever." Historia said with concern that ended with a promising tone.

"From someone who previously didn't come to good terms with Eren, I hope you're right." Jean said sadly, "when Eren and I first met, I couldn't stand him, I first thought he was some wannabe putting on a brave face. Extremely idealistic, suicidal bastard..." Jean gulped and finishes the sentence, "who turned out to be suicidal for real, which is unforseen in a spirit like him."

Even Jean is uncomfortable with this new pessimistic Eren, he turned to Conny and Sasha, wanting them to say something. "I honestly thought we were doomed when he lost hope!" Sasha babbled, "I mean, we all saw how he was too busy crying like a small child! Then he put that aside and saved our lives. That should be enough, right Conny?"

Conny was about to reply, but was interrupted with a loud sobbing sound coming from upstairs. The entire squad can hear his screams and sobs, echoing around the house. Since the sobbing has started, the squad have no idea when it would stop.

His cries are loud enough for Armin, Hange and Moblit to hear, so they entered the dining room with the rest of the squad, wondering what is going on. "Oh Eren you poor boy." Hanji said sympathetically.

"Get some rest Hanji, you still haven't fully recovered." Levi advised.

"I can't rest while hearing the sorrowing shifter cry his eyes out! He can't turn into a titan like this!" She yelled, heartbroken from hearing Eren's painful emotions.

"I understand, but he can't keep his emotions down forever. It has to come out at some point. We can't have him break down while he's at the battle. So let the brat cry, this is the right time." Levi informed.

"Yeah, you're right. Also if there's any more updates on how Eren's doing, let me know." Hanji replied, then left to recover.

The squad didn't think this could get any worse until they all hear the disturbing words echo from Eren upstairs.

_It's my fault_

_I can't take this anymore_

_I don't want to live_

"That's it! I'm coming up there!" Historia protested, demanding to get these thoughts out of that frying mind of his. She got up and was about to run upstairs until Armin grabbed her arm. "Historia, wait! Let Mikasa handle him. She knows what she's doing."

_

Meanwhile when the squad were left downstairs talking to each other, Mikasa brought the food tray along with a glass of water to Eren's bed so he could eat, but again he refused. "I'm not hungry, Mikasa." Eren responded, turning his nose up. "Doesn't matter, you need to eat!" Mikasa ordered. Eren picked up a spoon and ate the food for Mikasa's sake, the food happened to taste bland. He drank some water in between. While he was eating, the memory of his father's death has returned again. It appeared that every time he started eating, these flashbacks would keep coming back. And because of that it had ruined his appetite completely.

Struggling to finish, he dropped a spoon and covered his mouth. He even began to feel physically sick due to his high stress levels. "Eren, what's wrong?" There was no answer. "Are you sick?" Eren was starting to shake and hyperventilate. "Talk to me." Mikasa soothed, attempting to calm him down. Eren was unable to say a word, his throat was tight, he can feel all the emotions building up, like a ticking bomb about to explode.. Mikasa then managed to at least stop Eren from shaking by holding his hand for a few minutes.

As soon as Eren looked calm, Mikasa was confident enough to leave and do the dishes. "I'll go put the food away. Hang in there, okay?" Mikasa said softly, and left taking the unfinished food tray with her.

Mikasa went to the kitchen and chucked the food away. She started washing two plates that were left on the food tray. Once that was done, she was about to rinse the cutlery set until she noticed that a knife went missing. "Where's the knife?" Mikasa pondered. She thought she might have dropped it on the way somewhere. Just after she rinsed off the fork and spoon, she went to search for it from the kitchen to the bedroom Eren is currently in.

The knife was nowhere to be seen. To that point, she now wonders if Eren took it. But the question was why. Why would Eren take the knife? Was it to transform? He would usually bite his hand to turn into a titan. Mikasa found herself to be in the corridor outside of the room where Eren sleeps. She then heard heavy breathing coming from inside, like he's in pain. "Eren, what's going on?" Eren didn't answer. Mikasa was starting to worry, she left for a short amount of time and already there was something going on. There was no time to wait. As soon as Mikasa opened the door, she was horror-struck at what was happening right in front of her eyes.

She saw Eren smiling like a maniac with both of his arms bleeding. Dragging the blade over his skin one slice at a time. He was cutting himself. And he was so focused on doing that to the point he wasn't paying attention to what was going on around him, he didn't even notice Mikasa in the same room. That was until she called out his name.

"EREN!" She panicked and rushed towards him, putting her hand on his injured wrist to prevent any more self-injuries. The blood was on her hand, but she didn't care, because right now her only focus is on Eren's mental state.

Eren dropped the knife on the floor and turned his eyes towards Mikasa. Eren was shocked, he's never seen her this scared since the time he saved her from the kidnappers.

"Mikasa." He mumbled, looking down on the floor. "Why? Why would you hurt yourself like that?" Mikasa asked with emotion and sat on the bed, reaching out to him.

"Since you've seen these cuts, it'll be pointless to make excuses after what you just saw." Eren looked at Mikasa's concerned face and began to explain himself. "All those lives, sacrifices, the betrayals leading to more deaths, I know I will never be able to repay for them. Uncountable people have died because of me, and these cuts represent those people." Eren mourned while trying to restrain his emotions, however it began to show the more he talked about it. "I did it because I deserve it, I deserve to be punished."

"Eren!" Mikasa slightly raised her voice, causing Eren to stop talking. "This isn't your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for every death. You can't save everyone, but you did the best you could. Also don't forget that you're the one who saved our lives. Without you we wouldn't have made it ourselves, including me." Mikasa said, giving Eren a warm comforting smile.

He looked down in disbelief. He wants to believe her, he truly does. But his feelings of inadequacy just won't leave. There's always this voice at the back of his mind shouting, _you're worthless._

Mikasa stood up and found a bandage across the room for her to wrap around both of Eren's arms. While she was doing that, Eren was sitting there thinking to himself. He thought harming himself would aid that lump in his throat, but it instead grew from the moment she caught him with his habit. The physical pain did distract him from his emotional state... Only for a few minutes. But it has kept returning, and Eren realised that this can't continue.

As soon as Mikasa finished wrapping his bandages, she saw Eren's guilt slowly begin to take over, he then curled into a ball on the bed, and glued his eyes shut to try and keep his tears from falling. He can't cry, not now, especially not in front of Mikasa. He cried in front of Historia, and she wasn't impressed. Mikasa would either fuss over him or get strict with him. There's no telling how she would react.

Eren tried to make his breathing normal, but Mikasa already noticed the hyperventilation alongside his small quiet whimpers. It was then when she knew that in order to help him recover, there is only one thing to do in this situation.

"Cry."

Eren looked up at her in confusion.

"Don't hold it in, okay?" Mikasa requested gently.

As soon as he nodded in response, his vision began to blur, the tears in his eyes was almost full. He blinked as he let the tears leak from his eyes.

"I'm tired, Mikasa...so tired..." He choked as he let out his weeps. "I just hate myself so much!"

Mikasa was silent. There's nothing she can say as his thought process is too disturbed by his lack of sanity to think otherwise. All she can do is let the boy cry and be there for him.

Not knowing what else to do, she crawled into bed beside him, rubbing his back as he releases each of his cries.

His body was trembling as he sniffled onto his knees, leaving his trousers tear stained. No matter how many tears have escaped his eyes, he keeps producing more. And it became harder to stop the more he cried.

His beautiful teal eyes are now red and swollen, and he went from simply crying to having an emotional breakdown.

Mikasa can't stand seeing Eren like this as his crying is getting worse, but this is the only way for him to release the amount of stress that has been building up for so long. All she can do now is wait for it to stop.

In an attempt to calm him down, she pulled Eren towards her and wrapped her arms around him, she put his head on her chest as he sobbed relentlessly. She held him in silence, rubbing his back as his tears soaked her chest. It didn't take long for Eren to choke out his self-destructive phrases.

"Why didn't she just eat me?"

"Eren.."

_"It's my fault!"_

"No.."

"It is.. and_ I can't take this anymore!"_

Mikasa wasn't prepared for these words to come out. She closed her eyes as his level of guilt became harder to handle.

_"I don't want to live!"_

Those words have left a scar on her, she gripped her hands on his back, squeezing him a little.

Eren's cries have quieted down, leading towards an alarming quotation, "I need to stop breathing and never wake up."

Mikasa cannot bear to hear anymore. Eren just went from feeling sorrowful to suicidal in a matter of minutes, and that frightened Mikasa. So she gripped on his shoulders tightly, letting him know how scared she is for him.

"That's it!" She raised her voice as she looked at him with panic. "You're going to be monitored 24/7!"

That voice stopped Eren from crying and has left him out in a trance. Do people really want him to be alive? He remembered the trio, he remembered his comrades. These people really want him to live. His eyes are widely open, looking at Mikasa with shock.

"I'm serious! People care about you, I care about you, I lo-" Mikasa stopped at her tracks and got distracted by the dark circles under Eren's eyes. "You should go to bed, you need rest, especially after all the crying."

"I don't know if I'm able to sleep.." Eren responded in a quiet tone. "But I am exhausted."

Eren with Mikasa's help, set the bed for the night. After they did that, there was a knock on the door.

"Come in." She responded.

It turned out it was Hanji with Levi behind her. "How is our little shifter doing?" Hanji asked, walking towards him.

"Not good, got a bit of a headache."

"I bet. Crying does that you know." As soon as Hanji said that, Eren looked at the floor, realising that the whole squad have heard him cry. "Here. A full glass will help your headache, you need to rehydrate." Levi insisted, handing him a glass of water.

"Thanks Captain." Eren mumbled.

Just when Levi handed him a drink, he and Hanji noticed that both of his arms are covered in bandages. "Eren, your arms!" Hanji slurred.

Eren looked down at his arms with shame as he saw the concern on Hanji's face. "It's nothing, really. It's just..."

Mikasa walked towards Hanji, signalling her and Levi outside the room. The three of them walked out with Levi closing the door from behind.

Mikasa decided to only stay outside the room and nowhere farther than that, just in case.

As the three of them were outside the room, Mikasa told them about his lack of appetite, his lack of sleep, his lack of goals that were usually on his mind, and what happened to his arms as a result of his current psychological state.

"He d-did that to himself?" Hanji stuttered, looking at both Levi and Mikasa with alarm.

"Yes." Mikasa answered. "And that is why I'm keeping a close eye on him, making sure he doesn't hurt himself again, or even worse..."

Levi walked a few steps towards her, "we won't let that happen. We promise. It is highly unlikely Eren would to anything foolish under my watch." He comforted.

She looked at Levi anxiously, then looked down, clamping her hands together. "Is there a way to bring the old Eren back? I mean sure he was reckless before, he used to get into fights and put himself in danger as a result... But this is different, this is worse for the reason that he is willing to take his own life! And this is coming from the same person who has taught me how to live with purpose!" Mikasa continued with fret, "I would rather he condemn my faults than himself. And having to comprehend the fact that he's been self-loathing for so long!? I just..."

There were a few moments of silence after hearing Mikasa's plea until Hanji answers with a small glimpse of hope in her eyes, "it is highly unlikely that he would fully recover from everything that has happened recently, or even a while ago about his father's sins. However, it is possible to bring him out of that deep dark hole of depression." She informed. "The way to do that is by connecting with others, especially you. But as for now, we'll keep an eye on him."

"Thank you, thank you all for doing whatever you can to fix this." Mikasa approved.

"You're welcome. Ensure you'll keep us updated." Hanji reminded, then walked away alongside Levi. Mikasa nodded as she returned to the room.

A short time before they went to sleep, Eren was sitting on the bed, looking emotionally drained. There was barely any response from him. Mikasa was about to snap him out of that trance, but then even she feels a little drained too. It was decided that they both needed to get some rest for the night.

_

A few hours later, Eren woke up with Mikasa sleeping beside him. As he saw her rest there peacefully, he began to wonder how she can be so patient with him, how can she be so loyal to him after all the shit he's done? Being so reckless all the time, treating her like shit for calling him out on his recklessness, and how she was even able to follow him everywhere.

All she really wanted was to be with Eren, but he kept pushing her away. He didn't mean to push her away, sure he was jealous of her skills because he was the one who wanted to kill the titans in the first place, however he also wanted to be the one to save her too. At the same time, he also hates putting her in danger because of him. To Eren, pushing Mikasa away was his way of protecting her and yet, all he did was fight with her as a result.

He then remembered when she thought he was dead, him shouting at her was what Mikasa thought to be the last time she saw him. It was then when he realised that he needs to show Mikasa that he truly cares for her before it's too late, because who knows when Mikasa would slip away from him.

Eren had a sentimental streak in him and was surrounded by the extra amount of guilt that was bringing him down. He sat up and put his hand on Mikasa's forehead, "I'm sorry Mikasa." He said quietly, then gently lies back down. He knew that not even a simple sorry would solve everything, but the best thing he can do now is to be with her.

He can feel the upcoming wave of his emotions, tightening his throat along with his shaky breaths that have started to prevent him from going back to sleep. From that point, he relinquished his feelings instead of hesitating any longer.

_

Half in hour later, Mikasa woke up hearing the sniffles. She turned round and saw Eren covering his face with his arm, crying silently. She couldn't just lie there and watch him weep, instead she put her hand on his hand to grab his attention.

Eren turned his face towards her, he can clearly see the concern on Mikasa's face due to the moonlight shining from the window. And she can clearly see the tears rolling down his face.

Mikasa said nothing, but instead pulled him close and wrapped her arms round him. Eren didn't resist, Mikasa's warmth was all he needed at the moment. This time, he didn't want to act so tough. With her alone, he feels he can cry all he wants. This time, he stopped pushing Mikasa away for both his and her sake.

Instead of fussing over him, Mikasa stayed silent and simply let Eren weep in her arms. One of her hands was stroking his chocolate hair, soothing his raw emotions. While the other was rubbing his back, helping him let out his cries while holding him close. Eren's tears have stained her pajamas, but she didn't care, there was no time to focus on anything else other than his well being.

Eren was too shattered to talk, so he tucked his head under Mikasa's chin instead as a sign of gratitude. He hasn't shown this much affection due to his focus on killing titans, so this has felt peculiar, yet it was also calming. Therefore he lets Mikasa's comfort exorcise his despair and self-hatred. Stroking his hair while he was crying in front of her made Eren himself feel relieved, realising he doesn't have to fight this alone. He has Mikasa, and crying with only her around has made it easier for him to handle his sadness.

Eren has calmed down after a few minutes of his hair being stroked, but his tears were still rolling down his face. He felt a little better, and Mikasa noticed that he was more relaxed. She subsequently wiped the tears from his cheeks, however she can see that his teal eyes are producing more. He was about to say something but was sealed with Mikasa's finger over his lips. "You must rest." She comforted, and went back to holding him while waiting for his silent cries to stop so he can fall asleep on her, safe and sound.

His crying has lasted for another half in hour, since then, they both began to realise that all this crying and comforting has strengthened their bond. And as much as Mikasa hated seeing her love cry, she realised that Eren showing his tears in front of Mikasa without regard means that he trusts her. And with that, she was glad that he was able to show his emotions in spite of everything that has happened.

Slowly, Eren began to drift off peacefully. And shortly afterwards while he was half asleep, Eren felt something on his forehead for a few seconds though it was probably nothing.

"Good night, Eren."


End file.
